Sunday, April 08, 2012

Back in the Saddle

I found myself lucky enough to have TWO whole days off in a row this holiday weekend. I had plans that changed mid week, finding myself alone. I didn't look at it in a bad way. I was more relieved.

I want to be alone. Since I was 15, I haven't been single more than a month. I have looked to others for my approval. Afraid to like myself. I am growing up to become who I really am and not who someone else wants me to be.

I love exercise. Great Stress reliever AND health benefits too! I told myself when my marriage was ending that I my goal is not to look for ANYONE else, but to exercise more. Focus on my kids, relationship with God, exercise and work.

I have little post-it notes all around my house that say things like "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are"... and this...

I enjoyed a beautiful 2 mile run first thing Saturday morning, followed by the hour long Yoga session and a 1 hour trail ride on my road bike. Temps for the bike ride were in the high 60's and little wind. It was Terrific!! I had to make the ride only an hour since my bike needs a tune up and my saddle is not used to the sores yet... ha.ha.

I am hoping to sign up for a mud race called the Mud Stash on May 19th at a local ski hill. It looks like so much fun, but I am sad that I won't have a cheering section... That is my current mental block.

My kiddo's joined me that night and we had a great time talking. It felt great to get back on track with them. The feeling of letting your kids down is probably the worst part of a divorce. You hear horror stories about kids acting out but we have been EXTREMELY lucky with our boys. My soon to be ex and I are getting along very well. We are trying to show the kids how to be friends even when feelings have gotten hurt. My Ex is head over heals for a new woman and I couldn't be happier for him. I truly feel better knowing he is happy.

I am kind of picky about my new friends. I don't have a lot down here yet. I am tired of fake people. I get it. I've been there, done that. Fear of rejection, wanting to be included... I am learning to love the silence when I am alone. This past week I had to learn to enjoy it because I was out of minutes on my cell phone and worked so much the last thing I wanted to do was fire off an email to someone. I felt the panic of quietness but was helpless to do anything but deal with it.

Everyday, wait maybe every week, I am finding new things I can like about myself. Slowly, I am growing up to become who I REALLY am...