Friday, January 20, 2012

In Other News...

So besides the emotional junk here is the latest stuff going on in my life...

I now, well, as of Feb 13th, will have two jobs.

My current wonderful job as a Site Coordinator in an ER dept with the doctors and then soon to be Unit clerk in the same department on the weekends. It is a rotating schedule. I will work 2 twelve hour shifts between Friday's and Sundays. Either 7am or 11 am. No night shifts. Yay! I love sleep.

I also had an interview with Childrens Hospital here in Cincinnati. The sat me in a room and had me complete a test in Word and Excel. Great! I love word and Excel... um, the old versions, I guess.

Wow, I got a quick crash course in the newest version of Microsoft Word by guessing my answers. I think I recovered nicely enough with the new version of Microsoft Excel to actually pass!

Then I had an interview. This paticular day had been extra NASTY to my hair. HUGE gusting winds and a DOWN POUR in the morning always helps ones hair look nice. ha.ha. Overall, it went well. IF, they would decide to proceed with me I would have to interview with the dept manager. That position was 2 eight hour days on Wednesday and Thursdays. That means I would have to cram my 32 hours at my current job into 3+ days a week, AND if they do move me up to 40 hrs a week, I REALLY will be craming it all in. Basically, I am not to keen about working 56 hours in 5 days time... At least with the Unit Clerk position I can share my job with 7 other unit clerks for time off if I need it.

Also, on the kids front... as I was stopped at a light this week, I quickly took a peek at FB. I see a status from my 14 year old saying "School caught on Fire! No School!!"... I quickly called his cell phone to find him at home hanging out. Apparently, someone started a fire in the boys bathroom at school. No Mom, I asked him, he had nothing to do with it. Not even close to the bathroom...
Any how, some kids have all the luck. I never got sent home due to a fire. AND he had no homework, since they all had to leave their supplies in the rooms.

Okay, back to work!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I am worthy.

For some strange reason, those words make me cry.

I had my final 'free' session with my counselor today. I signed up for me. I feel like I am learning so much about myself by leaps and bounds. I don't want to give up yet.

How sad is it for someone to believe they are not worthy. I know all the words to say, but how to believe them in my heart are a completely different animal. What does 'Rachel' want? That's a whole 'nother problem.

It is like a mental block. I don't know what I want.
BUT I know what I DON'T WANT.

I don't want to be judged.
or talked down to.
or used.
or ignored.
or bought.
or discounted.
or forgotten.
or closed minded.

I need to learn NOT to take peoples insecurities and make them my own. I need to learn to find confidence. I need to take a step back and look at me from a distance and see the situation for what it really is. Learn the difference between love and pity. Stop looking to others for direction in my life. Clearly that has run me directly into the ground.

Time to cry.
Time to grieve.
Time to learn. It is OKAY. I will be okay.
Friends and Family need not to worry about me. I am okay. I am so desperately looking forward to this process. Well, not the pain and tears but the results. I need to look to myself and figure me out. Be selfish. I am no good to anyone right now.

It's a journey to my 'worthy'.

Miley Cyrus - The Climb - Official Music Video (HQ)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

One down, TWO to go!!

So today was the big test and first interview.

The test went great, interview too. Facinating job. I would be trained on reading EKG's for it and would have to watch a 35 bed cardiac unit!!! Scary but fun! Bad part is it would be night shift, but only 2 twelve hour shifts. 7p to 7a. and every 3 rd weekend.

Tomorrow I meet with Nate and Stephanie from my department for our chat, ur, I mean interview. This position is primarily every weekend in some way, but NO NIGHTS. either 7a-7p or 11a-11p on a rotating basis.


Now I have an interview for next Tuesday with Childrens Hospital for a part time Admin Assistant job! So excited. I think the Childrens job is a 'no weekend' position. I think it was 15 -20 hrs a week which would be perfect!

Exciting stuff!

Monday, January 09, 2012

How to love yourself.

How to love yourself by Me.

Apparently there is 18 steps to loving yourself (according to wiki) ... much more complicated than the AA 12 step program... go figure.

Apparently my 3 free pre- approved EAP counseling visits won't cut it. Dang.

Oh well, I will be figuring in this thing out one way or another!!

Admiting there is a problem is a good start. Pretending you are happy eventually comes back to bite you in the fanny. And filling it with credit also does the same thing. Eventually you have to pay up, um, or file chapter 7.

Brace yourself for the backlash. When you let people walk over you and talk down to you they don't like it when you buck them. When you find a spine or your opinion, you will rock the boat or heck tip the dang thing over like someone told me I was doing. Opps. Sorry about that... wait... no I am not... I REALLY need to stop apologizing for every little thing! I realize I do that a lot for other peoples things too!

Positive self talk. (insert Stuart Smalley here) "I am good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like me!" Good friends are like gold. I am blessed to have some pretty awesome ones. I can't tell you how much I treasure there friendship and comforting words. How did they get so dang smart??

Turn off the TV. Be comfortable with the silence and your very own thoughts. Ok. maybe I need a little Pandora Adele radio on in the background. I love it. I am working on the silence part yet.

I have begun reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I hate reading. This is gonna be tough. My mind wanders off while I read. I usually end up having to re-read entire pages because I have wandered off not sure what I just read. Maybe it has something to do with having kids... lol. (see my positive self notes in the top of the pic for my bathroom mirror.ha.ha.)
Its a learning curve. I am working on it...

So I currently work 32 hours per week. I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY JOB! I am crazy lucky to have my co-wrkers and hours and pay!! Love it. But I need closer to 40 hours, so I am picking up addtional hours at the hospital as a HUC. It stands for Health Unit Coordinator. Also known as the 'know it all of the floor' or 'catch all'. Basically you are asked to call this person, or answer that phone, or open the door for that person (locked enterance). No start date yet, I still have to pass a test first. Urgh.
I hate tests for the same reason I hate reading. My mind wanders.

I love the fact that ther has been a full moon lately. Not only does it bring out the crazies to the medical facilities and ED's, but it also shines brightly into my apartment and I can watch it perfectly move across the sky from my couch. Love that! (See that big white thing in the picture?)

I spent the weekend chillin' with the Zebster at the apartment. The older boys wer invited but prefer the Soda and comforts of home. Brock downed 9 sodas on Friday alone. I believe the novelty will wear off soon... or his enamel on his teeth and he will remember the pain of the repair. He hates needles. We will see what gives first.

Zeb and I watched Harry Potter, Transformers, made popcorn, root beer floats, brownies, chocolate chip cookies and went to the library. (Oh, and we had real food.) He had to pick up a book for a report on Abe Lincoln. While we were there 'Chloe' came up to Zeb and excitedly said "Hi Zeb!" oh, I just loved watching him turn into a turnip!! It was adorable!!

So this week, I see the counselor for session number 2 on Tuesday, Testing for said new job on Wednesday and 'interview' for new job on Thursday. This should be the most fun interview I have ever had since the manager already told me I have the job. She rocks.

Can't wait for the weekend!!! Woo Hoo! Busy. Busy week ahead!

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

New Year, New Direction!

So, this blog is taking a bit of a different direction here.

December was a busy month. Sorry for the neglect in the blogspot, but some major life changes have been happening...

Let me just say I love my kids. I am not going to go into details here but needless to say THIS IS MY LIFE, your input is not needed. Please refrain from feeling the need to tell me how you think I am lacking mental capacity or feelings. I have listened for too long to other people telling me what I 'should' do or act. I am done. Thank you... ahem.

Sometimes you lose yourself in your life. Suddenly you wake up and realize you ARE LOST. Can't hardly take a breath. Are burdened with years of regrets, and just can seem to get it right. You wander down a path that you are disgusted you even stepped foot on. You cry out for help, but they say "oh, it will get better hang in there" (pat.pat.pat- good girl) Sit and stay just doesn't cut it. Listen first. Really HEAR the person.... they just want love, not judgement. This is not something you just 'decide one day'... like gee, I am gonna where that shirt.... um,no.

I am lucky enough to have a really great sister and some pretty great friends that do just that...
So... I NOW find myself living la Vida Loco. I am finding all kinds of ways to survive...

1. Fast food condiments are the BOMB!!! WOO HOO! No need to buy ketchup, mustard, mayo or various sauces.
2. Having a birthday helps load up on free foods! Starbucks, Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone creamery and Panera Bread are very nice to people who have birthdays! Score!!
3. Apparently when you notice the dishwasher detergent that was on the shelf for $4.72 rings up for $6.99 and you wait in line for like 10 minutes and then another 10 minutes while she does a price check, you get the product for FREE!!! Suh-weet!!! Oh, yeah!!
4. Coupons. Are. Awesome. Especially the buy one, get one.
5. Two words. Dollar. Tree. You can buy laundry detergent, coffee cups, fabric softener and all kinds of stuff for only a dollar each! Total score.
6. Two cushions, two sleeping bags, a set of sheets, and pillows make an awesome bed!
7. In a situation such as this, it is nice that we live so far away from family or friends that mean well, but act so depressed toward the kids and make them feel bad or might say things the kids can overhear about the 'other' parent. We are very civil and the kiddos are a priority. Agreed.

Needless to say this is now a mission to find my way. Get my head right. Know where I need to go, what to do. Making sure the kids are ok thru the process is extremely important.

Right now, I am surprisingly happy. Honestly. Especially considering how many very well meaning 'friends or family' tell me how AWFUL it is supposed to be. Only when people tell me how I am SUPPOSED to feel is when I hate this situation. YES. It is NOT ideal, but this is my life, you are not living it... just reading a blog or chatting with me from time to time... I NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLES opinions and find my own.

ahem.. ok... feeling better... let the finding now begin! Hope you don't mind coming along for the journey! Hang on, it might get a little messy... I feel the need to be brutally honest lately!!