So Far so Good

Well, Life without Aaron is still happily liveable.

I managed to drop some more lbs, according to the scale at work and will weigh in tomorrow morning again for the last 'before' Thanksgiving meal...

I met a guy named Rob.  I met him on christian cafe.com.  Well, not exactly met in person but I have talked to him on the phone.  He is a business man and works in New York a lot.  I told him being in New York on my birthday is on my bucket list.  So he asked if I would like to go to NY this year for my birthday!!  I am super excited.  He also has enough frequent flyer miles to go to Hawaii!!  He would love to go there.  Me too!!

He was so motivated by my 2 spin classes this week that he joined a gym this week.  He as gone on century bike rides.  No triathlons.  He said he needs to lose 30 lbs.  I hope I can lose weight along with him.  He has his masters and is 46.  (Yikes)

I wasn't impressed with one of his pictures of himself he sent but one that I saw on the website was nice.  He was so nice on the phone and asked me if I would pray with him before going to bed.  How sweet is that?!  He actually helped send Bibles to jails and in the inner city! 

Stay turned!!

Down 3.4

Well, this weeks weigh in helped me be pleasantly surprised.

I loosely followed the WW plan, and yet I still managed a loss of 3.4!

Next week will be tricky.  I have used a bunch of bad points already this weekend. 

 
I had a stressful week.  A big part of that is having my kids and not feeling like I can workout.  I hate to leave them.  I did manage one walk with one of my kids.

Those free veggies are a huge help!!

Life events are strange things..

Life events are strange things... with a blink of an eye they come and go. As I type I am watching a movie called Get Low, about an old recluse that wants to throw a funeral party before he dies so he can hear what people have to say about him.

After yet another emotional roller coaster for me this past month, a co-worker of mine put it best.

This is just a moment, it will past and be just a speck of your life story.

Interesting when you find out that she is going through an extremely rough time herself right now. She has been having to take furlough at work and her husband confessed he cheated on her in June. Twice.

She is the most bubbly, happy and funny person I work with. I had to ask her on a really bad day of mine what her secret is and that is what she told me.

I recently was seeing someone, but we decided to break up. We both need to work on ourselves. I knew it was the best. I still consider him a great friend. My manager from Cleveland just happened to stop by and we got to talking about it. She said "God puts everyone in your life for a purpose. Maybe that was his purpose. Now, it is time to move on." That helped.

I worked for 28 days in August. 3 days off. This weekend, I am lucky enough to get a 3 day weekend right away! And 5 more days during the month.

I am at such an important crossroads for me right now. I am looking at going back to school. I know it will be for business. I would like to work in Health Care administration.

One of my jobs is looking to make me full time. I may be quitting that one instead.

Job A (TH) is 32 hours a week.
Very flexible schedule. I come and go as I want.
My manager works and lives 4 hours away.
I have my own desk.
Less pay and benefits.
No college assistance.

Job B (TCH) is weekends only at 24 hours per week.
Must clock in and out at various times.
Will work 2 out of 3 weekends
Has better pay, benefits and college assistance.

If I would work 40 hours at Job A, then I STILL need to work job B at least one 12 hours shift a week. I will need to pay more for Health insurance, work more hours for less money and have only 1 or 2 days off a week.

If I quit job A: I would only have to work four 12-hour days. Have 3 off a week. I would have my 24 hour weekend roation but I could also pick up hours when I am off to make it 48 hours a week. I would earn at least 8 hours overtime. They are willing to cross train me for CNA and POC (point of care) lab tech. Which will give me more options to pick up hours available.

I currently have 2 dental insurances that are helping to pay for Reece's braces. We would lose about $700 on that benefit. The insurance companies work it so they pay one third up front then make monthly payments until paid. We will still have two other companies to help pay.

I have broken down all the facts and figures. Basically, I need to make a certain amount per hour to make it worth staying with Job A. I am trying to compose a tactful email, since we hardly see each other. She won't be down for two weeks now.

I checked with the government and THEY even say I make less than 50% of the population for my position.

Exciting, but crazy times right now. Oh, and I meet with my son's guidance counselor to discuss applying for college on the 12!

And this was my crazy craft day today... here is what I did today!
















These are Flower barrettes I created and l also made a hanger to display them for easy access.

Mudstach 2012: May Edition

Today was the first ever mud event for me. I loved it. The end.

If you want more than that please continue reading!

I find myself not wanting to type so much these days... hence the lack of posting.
Ok. So. Lori G, a co-worker of mine, asked me if I was interested in signing up for this little mud race. She said she did it last year and had a blast! Heck Yeah, I replied.

I got to the race about 1:20 or so. As I was walking to the registration desk I get a phone call from Lori. Her Mom, who has been dying of cancer was passing. She lived an hour and a half away, and had to miss the race. She offered to give her registration to one of my kids. (she is so sweet!!)

I tried to get my kids interested, but no takers. I think Reece really wanted to do it but he was nervous. Brock hates dirt and bugs. Zeb could give or take it. He is a bit young.

I asked Reece to take some pictures of the obstacles while he was waiting. You can see the hanging barrel's. (to the left, ) I don't think that is me running in them but we can pretend it is. Ok? (and not the big puffy inflatable dude)

It was held at a ski mountain called Perfect north. Really close to home. Only about 20 minutes away. You can see the chair lift in the first picture.



I loved the misters. I believe that is how they make snow, but since it was 90 degrees at the start of the race it was WONDERFUL to have them cool you down. Although it made some very slippery mud. But hey, it was an excuse to walk!

In this pic, you can see the slide we had to go head first on, then the dumpster looking thing was ice cold water you had to wade through! Fun! It was nice to get cleaned off before heading into the next part...


By FAR the hardest part of the event was this mud. It was SO THICK, I had to stand up in it to take a break. I tried crawling through it but my abs wouldn't let me. I was very tired and heavy

You can see me climbing out of the pit. The guys on stage were heckling us saying "We are nice and clean up here!" Someone replied, "I think you need a hug."






The last obstacle. A ladder up and over down some bales of hay.













All done. Way fun. My left butt cheek and ankle are a little sore. I landed funny on my ankle and slipped on some mud going into one of MANY mud pits on a trail run, but so very worth it!!

They gave me a $20 gift card to sign up for the next race which is a Night time run. I am so in!!
:)
You can barely tell I was wearing shorts. I was though!!!






Oh, and this is how you clean up before heading out. A quick shower by hose.

See all clean!

Back in the Saddle

I found myself lucky enough to have TWO whole days off in a row this holiday weekend. I had plans that changed mid week, finding myself alone. I didn't look at it in a bad way. I was more relieved.

I want to be alone. Since I was 15, I haven't been single more than a month. I have looked to others for my approval. Afraid to like myself. I am growing up to become who I really am and not who someone else wants me to be.

I love exercise. Great Stress reliever AND health benefits too! I told myself when my marriage was ending that I my goal is not to look for ANYONE else, but to exercise more. Focus on my kids, relationship with God, exercise and work.

I have little post-it notes all around my house that say things like "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are"... and this...

I enjoyed a beautiful 2 mile run first thing Saturday morning, followed by the hour long Yoga session and a 1 hour trail ride on my road bike. Temps for the bike ride were in the high 60's and little wind. It was Terrific!! I had to make the ride only an hour since my bike needs a tune up and my saddle is not used to the sores yet... ha.ha.

I am hoping to sign up for a mud race called the Mud Stash on May 19th at a local ski hill. It looks like so much fun, but I am sad that I won't have a cheering section... That is my current mental block.

My kiddo's joined me that night and we had a great time talking. It felt great to get back on track with them. The feeling of letting your kids down is probably the worst part of a divorce. You hear horror stories about kids acting out but we have been EXTREMELY lucky with our boys. My soon to be ex and I are getting along very well. We are trying to show the kids how to be friends even when feelings have gotten hurt. My Ex is head over heals for a new woman and I couldn't be happier for him. I truly feel better knowing he is happy.

I am kind of picky about my new friends. I don't have a lot down here yet. I am tired of fake people. I get it. I've been there, done that. Fear of rejection, wanting to be included... I am learning to love the silence when I am alone. This past week I had to learn to enjoy it because I was out of minutes on my cell phone and worked so much the last thing I wanted to do was fire off an email to someone. I felt the panic of quietness but was helpless to do anything but deal with it.

Everyday, wait maybe every week, I am finding new things I can like about myself. Slowly, I am growing up to become who I REALLY am...

Worry.

There is not much in life we can control.

Like when the Starbucks barista accidentally puts too much peppermint and mocha in my drink, or someone decides to indirectly try to hurt you with something they post on Facebook. We have a choice. We can flip out and demand a 'do over' or we can put on our 'big girl' panties and deal with it.

I am going to worry about me. If someone doesn't like what I post, or write that is THEIR problem. They can voice THEIR opinion. Fine. That is all I am going to say....

In other news, I am now working 56 hours a week to make ends meet. I am lucky that I love my jobs. Both of them.

Thanks to the extra hours, in training, I was able to join a local gym. Super excited!! It has a hot tub and a pool!! I want to do another triathlon this summer but not sure which one. I will have to see what I can afford. The Door County Tri is over $100 to sign up, but the High Cliff Tri is half that but is during a weekend I am supposed to work all weekend. I don't know if I will have enough paid time off by then...

I have a bed. Color me excited! Now, after sleeping on the floor for 4 months, I was a little uncomfortable the first few nights but now I am loving that I don't have to get my butt off the floor in the morning! Makes my 5 am wake ups a little easier to happen.

My oldest, B. , turned 17 recently. We celebrated this past weekend with dinner at Golden Corral. He loves that place... mainly for the carbs. Pizza, French Fries and mac-n-cheese.

The middle child, R. , is heading the Washington DC this week with school. I am so jealous. I never got to do anything so fun when I was in school. They will be there 4 days and it is JAM PACKED with tours and food. He will probably suffer some PS3 withdrawl, hopefully the ipod will maintain his electronic fix.

Z., loves to come visit on the weekends, but now I will be working a 3 weekend rotation and only be off every 3rd Saturday and Sunday. Otherwise I will be working 12 hour shifts.

Doesn't leave much free time on the days that I work. I am trying to work 12 hour shifts at both jobs so I can have 2 days off at various points each week. This week I am off Thursday and Monday. Then I work for a week straight. Luckily the days fly by and no time to spend money!

I am trying to walk on the days I don't run, bike or swim. It seems when I train, I eat more... defeating the purpose of the exercises. I justify my chocolate and peanut butter ice cream cone by the fact I had just ran a few miles. I have a harder time justifying the walking. Plus walking burns more fat. Any yes, I have plenty of it left. I am still boardline 'overweight' according to the BMI calculators. Grrrr.

I am going to control what I can... I am what I am love me or hate me...

Yikes!
Where did the time go? Opps.
So. I was excited to manage a whole 3 runs in one week!! It felt awesome to get back out at it!

Then I had one of those emotionally taxing weeks... where you use all your energy to breathe alone. Texting and talking to friends. Trying to not freak out, not. very. successfully. It was a very bad week. I hated to hear all about valentines day 'coming up' and all the 'sweethearts'. I was married 17 years ago on Valentines Day. Just not a good time right now, dealing with guilt of a failing marriage and the pity I have for him...

I managed to attend my first CoDA (co-dependents anonymous) meeting. They are much like AA meetings. I was the last person to walk in and quickly found a seat... wouldn't you know... right next to the meeting leader. Go figure.

I managed to break at least one of the 'rules' of the group, but since I was new, it was ok. I felt like a freak when I sat down and probably for most of the meeting, but after got to meet some pretty nice people. I soon felt like I fit in.

They have a 'big book' just like AA and 12 steps, traditions, promises, and prayers. Lots to take in.

I have a crazy busy week at work this week, since I am working 32 hours at the 'new' job for training AND trying to fit in 20 hours from my 'regular' job all in 5 days. Basically I am working from 7am to 6 pm everyday. Thankfully I love my job and my co-workers!

Well, I am beat! Now, time for bed!

Some Random-ness: An Update

The kiddos seem to be doing okay. Z is the only one that has Stayed over with me. He loves to do it. Probably because of the lack of competition for computer time. Well, this weekend he had some homework time forced in. He had a report on Abe Lincoln to work on and some math difficulties that my friend helped him with. My friend loves math... me? Not so much. Z needs to work on multiplication tables.

Missing assignments: Both Brock and Reece are in need of some attention in the 'missing assignment' department. Thankfully the kids schools email us immediately when they have missing work. I love it. I talked to the kids as soon as I could to get them motivated to work on the work. I told them I will hold on to the PS3 for a few days if they can't get it together.

Cat love: Every other week, I head over to the house in the am and get the kids on the bus while Duner is on Day shift. The cat typically ignored me, but now she comes up to my feet and meows. Not so I pick her up, but just to pet her. Then I normally curl my hair since I have an hour between buses. This past week, everyday, the cat climbs up in the sink and lays down while I curl my hair. She NEVER did that before. Silly girl!

Friendly Visit! My friends, Juls and Ang, are planning a visit! I am so excited. I feel so incredibly blessed to have friends that are willing to drive 8 hrs ONE WAY to visit me!!
With everything going on in my life, I am finding out daily how many great friends I have. Friends that don't judge me. That care about me enough to say "Rachel, you are a mess. I know you can do this." or "you don't need to look to others for your self-worth and yes that is hard." And my favorite "I promise to NEVER give up on you!" Awe, shucks... AND some of my co-workers completely ROCK. I look so forward to spending 6 or 7 days a week with them. <3


Fitness: I am sooooo glad the weather is warmer than normal! It really makes me want to get out there and run/jog! I no longer have a gym membership so I have to do my fitness workouts at home. I am hoping to be able to join another gym soon. I would like to do another triathlon this year and will need the pool for swimming.

My Hospital, aka the new employer, took my picture this week for ANOTHER name badge. Apparently I will have two badges for my work. One for the 'contracted' employee (current position) and one for the 'Hospital' employee. When they take the picture they let you 'yay' or 'nay' the picture. I was shocked when I saw the picture. I looked so skinny. I didn't recognize it. I am so used to my original picture with 15- 20 lbs extra on it. Now, I am still considered 'borderline' overweight, believe it or not, according to the government BMI website. I would also love to lose 10 more lbs to get out of the 'fat girl' division in Triathlon! That would be sweet if I could do that by summer! I work with some great people that are into fitness, in fact, we have a team doing a heartwalk/ run on March 18th. I am seriously considering this event, not sure how much it will cost yet, and IF the budget will allow it.

In Other News...

So besides the emotional junk here is the latest stuff going on in my life...

I now, well, as of Feb 13th, will have two jobs.

My current wonderful job as a Site Coordinator in an ER dept with the doctors and then soon to be Unit clerk in the same department on the weekends. It is a rotating schedule. I will work 2 twelve hour shifts between Friday's and Sundays. Either 7am or 11 am. No night shifts. Yay! I love sleep.

I also had an interview with Childrens Hospital here in Cincinnati. The sat me in a room and had me complete a test in Word and Excel. Great! I love word and Excel... um, the old versions, I guess.

Wow, I got a quick crash course in the newest version of Microsoft Word by guessing my answers. I think I recovered nicely enough with the new version of Microsoft Excel to actually pass!

Then I had an interview. This paticular day had been extra NASTY to my hair. HUGE gusting winds and a DOWN POUR in the morning always helps ones hair look nice. ha.ha. Overall, it went well. IF, they would decide to proceed with me I would have to interview with the dept manager. That position was 2 eight hour days on Wednesday and Thursdays. That means I would have to cram my 32 hours at my current job into 3+ days a week, AND if they do move me up to 40 hrs a week, I REALLY will be craming it all in. Basically, I am not to keen about working 56 hours in 5 days time... At least with the Unit Clerk position I can share my job with 7 other unit clerks for time off if I need it.

Also, on the kids front... as I was stopped at a light this week, I quickly took a peek at FB. I see a status from my 14 year old saying "School caught on Fire! No School!!"... I quickly called his cell phone to find him at home hanging out. Apparently, someone started a fire in the boys bathroom at school. No Mom, I asked him, he had nothing to do with it. Not even close to the bathroom...
Any how, some kids have all the luck. I never got sent home due to a fire. AND he had no homework, since they all had to leave their supplies in the rooms.

Okay, back to work!

I am worthy.

For some strange reason, those words make me cry.

*sigh*
I had my final 'free' session with my counselor today. I signed up for me. I feel like I am learning so much about myself by leaps and bounds. I don't want to give up yet.

How sad is it for someone to believe they are not worthy. I know all the words to say, but how to believe them in my heart are a completely different animal. What does 'Rachel' want? That's a whole 'nother problem.

It is like a mental block. I don't know what I want.
BUT I know what I DON'T WANT.

I don't want to be judged.
or talked down to.
or used.
or ignored.
or bought.
or discounted.
or forgotten.
or closed minded.

I need to learn NOT to take peoples insecurities and make them my own. I need to learn to find confidence. I need to take a step back and look at me from a distance and see the situation for what it really is. Learn the difference between love and pity. Stop looking to others for direction in my life. Clearly that has run me directly into the ground.

Time to cry.
Time to grieve.
Time to learn. It is OKAY. I will be okay.
Friends and Family need not to worry about me. I am okay. I am so desperately looking forward to this process. Well, not the pain and tears but the results. I need to look to myself and figure me out. Be selfish. I am no good to anyone right now.

It's a journey to my 'worthy'.

Miley Cyrus - The Climb - Official Music Video (HQ)

One down, TWO to go!!

So today was the big test and first interview.

The test went great, interview too. Facinating job. I would be trained on reading EKG's for it and would have to watch a 35 bed cardiac unit!!! Scary but fun! Bad part is it would be night shift, but only 2 twelve hour shifts. 7p to 7a. and every 3 rd weekend.

Tomorrow I meet with Nate and Stephanie from my department for our chat, ur, I mean interview. This position is primarily every weekend in some way, but NO NIGHTS. either 7a-7p or 11a-11p on a rotating basis.

And....

Now I have an interview for next Tuesday with Childrens Hospital for a part time Admin Assistant job! So excited. I think the Childrens job is a 'no weekend' position. I think it was 15 -20 hrs a week which would be perfect!

Exciting stuff!

How to love yourself.

How to love yourself by Me.

Apparently there is 18 steps to loving yourself (according to wiki) ... much more complicated than the AA 12 step program... go figure.

Apparently my 3 free pre- approved EAP counseling visits won't cut it. Dang.

Oh well, I will be figuring in this thing out one way or another!!

Admiting there is a problem is a good start. Pretending you are happy eventually comes back to bite you in the fanny. And filling it with credit also does the same thing. Eventually you have to pay up, um, or file chapter 7.

Brace yourself for the backlash. When you let people walk over you and talk down to you they don't like it when you buck them. When you find a spine or your opinion, you will rock the boat or heck tip the dang thing over like someone told me I was doing. Opps. Sorry about that... wait... no I am not... I REALLY need to stop apologizing for every little thing! I realize I do that a lot for other peoples things too!

Positive self talk. (insert Stuart Smalley here) "I am good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like me!" Good friends are like gold. I am blessed to have some pretty awesome ones. I can't tell you how much I treasure there friendship and comforting words. How did they get so dang smart??

Turn off the TV. Be comfortable with the silence and your very own thoughts. Ok. maybe I need a little Pandora Adele radio on in the background. I love it. I am working on the silence part yet.

I have begun reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I hate reading. This is gonna be tough. My mind wanders off while I read. I usually end up having to re-read entire pages because I have wandered off not sure what I just read. Maybe it has something to do with having kids... lol. (see my positive self notes in the top of the pic for my bathroom mirror.ha.ha.)
Its a learning curve. I am working on it...



So I currently work 32 hours per week. I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY JOB! I am crazy lucky to have my co-wrkers and hours and pay!! Love it. But I need closer to 40 hours, so I am picking up addtional hours at the hospital as a HUC. It stands for Health Unit Coordinator. Also known as the 'know it all of the floor' or 'catch all'. Basically you are asked to call this person, or answer that phone, or open the door for that person (locked enterance). No start date yet, I still have to pass a test first. Urgh.
I hate tests for the same reason I hate reading. My mind wanders.

I love the fact that ther has been a full moon lately. Not only does it bring out the crazies to the medical facilities and ED's, but it also shines brightly into my apartment and I can watch it perfectly move across the sky from my couch. Love that! (See that big white thing in the picture?)

I spent the weekend chillin' with the Zebster at the apartment. The older boys wer invited but prefer the Soda and comforts of home. Brock downed 9 sodas on Friday alone. I believe the novelty will wear off soon... or his enamel on his teeth and he will remember the pain of the repair. He hates needles. We will see what gives first.

Zeb and I watched Harry Potter, Transformers, made popcorn, root beer floats, brownies, chocolate chip cookies and went to the library. (Oh, and we had real food.) He had to pick up a book for a report on Abe Lincoln. While we were there 'Chloe' came up to Zeb and excitedly said "Hi Zeb!" oh, I just loved watching him turn into a turnip!! It was adorable!!

So this week, I see the counselor for session number 2 on Tuesday, Testing for said new job on Wednesday and 'interview' for new job on Thursday. This should be the most fun interview I have ever had since the manager already told me I have the job. She rocks.

Can't wait for the weekend!!! Woo Hoo! Busy. Busy week ahead!

New Year, New Direction!

So, this blog is taking a bit of a different direction here.

December was a busy month. Sorry for the neglect in the blogspot, but some major life changes have been happening...

Let me just say I love my kids. I am not going to go into details here but needless to say THIS IS MY LIFE, your input is not needed. Please refrain from feeling the need to tell me how you think I am lacking mental capacity or feelings. I have listened for too long to other people telling me what I 'should' do or act. I am done. Thank you... ahem.

Sometimes you lose yourself in your life. Suddenly you wake up and realize you ARE LOST. Can't hardly take a breath. Are burdened with years of regrets, and just can seem to get it right. You wander down a path that you are disgusted you even stepped foot on. You cry out for help, but they say "oh, it will get better hang in there" (pat.pat.pat- good girl) Sit and stay just doesn't cut it. Listen first. Really HEAR the person.... they just want love, not judgement. This is not something you just 'decide one day'... like gee, I am gonna where that shirt.... um,no.

I am lucky enough to have a really great sister and some pretty great friends that do just that...
So... I NOW find myself living la Vida Loco. I am finding all kinds of ways to survive...

1. Fast food condiments are the BOMB!!! WOO HOO! No need to buy ketchup, mustard, mayo or various sauces.
2. Having a birthday helps load up on free foods! Starbucks, Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone creamery and Panera Bread are very nice to people who have birthdays! Score!!
3. Apparently when you notice the dishwasher detergent that was on the shelf for $4.72 rings up for $6.99 and you wait in line for like 10 minutes and then another 10 minutes while she does a price check, you get the product for FREE!!! Suh-weet!!! Oh, yeah!!
4. Coupons. Are. Awesome. Especially the buy one, get one.
5. Two words. Dollar. Tree. You can buy laundry detergent, coffee cups, fabric softener and all kinds of stuff for only a dollar each! Total score.
6. Two cushions, two sleeping bags, a set of sheets, and pillows make an awesome bed!
7. In a situation such as this, it is nice that we live so far away from family or friends that mean well, but act so depressed toward the kids and make them feel bad or might say things the kids can overhear about the 'other' parent. We are very civil and the kiddos are a priority. Agreed.

Needless to say this is now a mission to find my way. Get my head right. Know where I need to go, what to do. Making sure the kids are ok thru the process is extremely important.

Right now, I am surprisingly happy. Honestly. Especially considering how many very well meaning 'friends or family' tell me how AWFUL it is supposed to be. Only when people tell me how I am SUPPOSED to feel is when I hate this situation. YES. It is NOT ideal, but this is my life, you are not living it... just reading a blog or chatting with me from time to time... I NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLES opinions and find my own.

ahem.. ok... feeling better... let the finding now begin! Hope you don't mind coming along for the journey! Hang on, it might get a little messy... I feel the need to be brutally honest lately!!