Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I am worthy.

For some strange reason, those words make me cry.

I had my final 'free' session with my counselor today. I signed up for me. I feel like I am learning so much about myself by leaps and bounds. I don't want to give up yet.

How sad is it for someone to believe they are not worthy. I know all the words to say, but how to believe them in my heart are a completely different animal. What does 'Rachel' want? That's a whole 'nother problem.

It is like a mental block. I don't know what I want.
BUT I know what I DON'T WANT.

I don't want to be judged.
or talked down to.
or used.
or ignored.
or bought.
or discounted.
or forgotten.
or closed minded.

I need to learn NOT to take peoples insecurities and make them my own. I need to learn to find confidence. I need to take a step back and look at me from a distance and see the situation for what it really is. Learn the difference between love and pity. Stop looking to others for direction in my life. Clearly that has run me directly into the ground.

Time to cry.
Time to grieve.
Time to learn. It is OKAY. I will be okay.
Friends and Family need not to worry about me. I am okay. I am so desperately looking forward to this process. Well, not the pain and tears but the results. I need to look to myself and figure me out. Be selfish. I am no good to anyone right now.

It's a journey to my 'worthy'.


Grandma Z said...

Still no report on the jobs??

Grandma Z said...

Our old dentist had this saying on his door. "God doesn't make junk."
Trust in God. This time of reflection
will turn out GOOD.